Bored in bed? Stop whining and let your fantasies fuel the fire

"We’re in a sexual rut. I sample the sausage, he delivers it to the service entrance, we cook it, then we burp and roll over. The sameness of the sex is boring me to tears."

Q:

We’re in a sexual rut. I sample the sausage, he delivers it to the service entrance, we cook it, then we burp and roll over. 

For the most part, marriage is great. Our daily routines are pretty perfect, but the sameness of the sex is boring me to tears. It’s actually starting to make me question our relationship.

I’m interested in trying stuff to spice it up, especially something a little bad like spanking, tying each other up or roleplay. How can I make it happen?

Dear Same Ol’:

You can always count on Q to support the exploration of every nook and cranny of your sexual natures and each other. The good news is that if you’re not sexually satisfied, you have complete control over fixing it. Give yourself permission to try your fantasies on for size and empower yourself to deserve it.

Questioning your relationship over this isn’t trying hard enough. Rather than viewing your marriage as a hindrance, I say that you’re in a better position than most to fix this. You each have a built-in teammate. You’re on the same side.

So bring it up already. He’s your husband, for chrissake. Lean on your marital trust for confidence, and just blurt it out. He might be bored too, and hearing that you fantasize about him can’t hurt.

Be specific: Tell him you want to cuff him before you go down on him, beg him to spank you harder, ask him to put on a jock strap. See how easy that was?

Q:

Kiss a little, touch a lot, do this, do that, done. My girlfriend and I have only been dating a year, but the sex is already predictable. Every time used to be exciting, but now I’m bored.

We used to build little moments all the way up to thebig moment. Now we’re basically getting there so we can sleep. I can do myself faster – and sometimes better.

Dear Boring:

Sex takes two, and I’m reading a tinge of blame between the lines. Take ownership of your passion, and stop waiting for her to figure it out.

Step 1: Reflect on your own fantasies. You can’t make your relationship all new, and you wouldn’t want to start over, but you can tap into what made it hot in the first place. Whether it was the extra time you took, or the way she smelled freshly showered for a date, there’s a lot you can recreate time and again for years to come.

Step 2: Once you’ve revisited what turns you on, it’s back to my oft-repeated, number one piece of advice, ever: Communicate. Tell her what you want.

Step 3: Now that you're on the same page, here are a just a few ideas to heat things up: 

Talk dirty. When you’re out, tell her how badly you want her. Sneak a hand under the table and tell her what you want to do.

Wait for it. Letting it simmer includes after you’re naked. Extend foreplay. Tell her where to place those kisses. Place more than a few of your own.

Put on a show. Offer discreet-or-not-as-you-want sexual gestures while you’re still at the restaurant. Duck into the restroom together for a quick flash. In bed, let her watch you touch yourself and vice versa.

Take charge. If you’ve been laying back, try on top. If she’s worked up, slow down until she begs.

The Q is for entertainment purposes and not professional counseling. Send your burning Qs to [email protected]

Illustration by Brad Gibson

This column originally appeared in Q magazine. Read the latest issue, enjoy all of the past editions of The Q advice column, and look for a new issue of Q magazine each week online and around town.