Advice for queer matchmakers and the terminally single

"The people who I find attractive don’t reciprocate, and the ones who do show interest aren’t setting off any sparks on my end," and "Why are my fellow queers intent on setting me up with crazies and freaks – sorry, but these people are actually crazy and weird, they just are – who would never make a match for me."

Q:

I was already sick of straight friends and family trying to set me up on dates. Now my queer friends are in on it, pushing their work colleagues and random acquaintances on me.

Straight people think that “he’s gay too” is a great reason to have dinner and drinks. My mother thought a guy she met was so friendly that she’d like him for a son-in-law.

“You can’t base everything on appearance,” she said as I blanched at his profile photo.

But my fellow queers should know better, shouldn’t they? They’re setting me up with crazies and freaks – sorry, but these people are actually crazy and weird, they just are – who would never make a match for me.

How can I get everyone to stop it and let me find my own dates? Or at least stop asking, “Why are you single?” Ugh!

Dear Single:

Totally with you that the only person who should be asking you, “Why are you single?” is you. And yes, setting people up on blind dates can be just as annoying, and can even border on insulting, whether the well-meaning matchmaker or their “victim” is queer or straight.

The good news is that your friends and family think you’re a great catch, and they’re just trying to help. Keeping that in mind might help when you sit them down and set them straight… so to speak.

Your first option is to decline the blind date. You’re not obligated to go, and it will help them see that their efforts are fruitless. Maybe they won’t try again so readily next time.

Then lay out your case. Point out that you are capable, and that they are nosy, in as friendly of terms as you can muster. Add that their choices have been borderline offensive. “Is this guy (“crazy person,” “weirdo,” etc.) really what you think of me?”

Then all parties can be off to find their own flavor of crazy and weird. Because trust in the fact that you and your perfect pairing are somebody else’s freaks.

On the other hand, if you’re down for a blind date, ask the friend or family member a qualifying question: “Would you be flattered if I set him up with you?”

Q:

I’ve been single for a long time. Years. I want a significant other, but after two long-term relationships, I wonder if I’ve already had my allotted love for this lifetime.

The people who I find attractive don’t reciprocate, and the ones who do show interest aren’t setting off any sparks on my end. What am I doing wrong?

Dear Looking:

It’s difficult to be perpetually single when you want a relationship. Too many of us feel your pain.

But you’re not finished with relationships unless you decide to be. Of course, deciding to find The One won’t make it happen tomorrow, but being open to the possibility is a great way to start.

Having former relationships means you know what you want, and what you don’t. You’re naturally pickier, and that’s OK. It also means you know that you can survive being single, so stop playing it safe. Take chances. Show the real you. Say what you mean. Do what you love.

Be on the lookout for similarly experienced people you meet while pursuing your best self. They automatically share your interests in events, career field, or hobbies.

In short, Mr. or Ms. Perfect Potential will cross your path while you’re living your life. Get out there, do you, keep your eyes open, and have faith.

The Q is for entertainment purposes and not professional counseling. Send your burning Qs to [email protected]

Illustration by Brad Gibson

This article originally appeared in Q magazine. Read the full issue below: