So your bestie has a new love, only that new love is hitting on you bigtime. Which one do you talk to first, and how? You have issues. In our new The Q advice column, our Life Judge helps.
You know how queer friends can feel more like family than our actual family? I have one friend who is as important to me as any sibling. We've been there for each other through ups, downs, girls, women and more girls and women. When she finally found what she thought was the woman of her dreams, I was so happy. She deserves a wife for life.
At first, her new girlfriend’s random Facebook PMs to me seemed harmless, so I engaged with her as a way of welcoming her into our circle. Then the messages started coming after midnight. Then she said she had a dream about me where we were naked in a field. Then it turned explicitly sexual.
I have a few choice words for this pretender to my friend’s heart, but I don’t want the jerkface to get to my friend before I do after I tell her off. Should I say something to shut her down before or after I tell my friend? How do I break it to my friend what happened? Should I ignore it and let her find out later than I was chatting with the woman?
Dear Friend For Life:
That’s some real shit you’ve wandered into right there. You can get out of it, but step lightly.
This person has behaved abhorrently. No need to stoop to her level – or escalate the drama. It’s natural to want to protect your friend, but don’t barge into action. The instinct to go full guerilla assault on the new girlfriend, then run a screaming tattletale maneuver on your bestie, is natural. But don’t, at least not without thinking it through.
The secret is staying calm. If you go in hot, everyone gets burned. Stick to the facts. Tell the offender flatly that you don’t want to talk about sex with her, and that her messages make you uncomfortable. No need to say anything about how lame a sex dream come on is whether she’s dating your friend or not.
Stop all further communication, and call your friend immediately. Tell her that what you thought was friendly took a turn that you didn’t expect, ask for or like. Say that her long-term happiness is more valuable than any short-term discomfort between you. If your friendship is as strong as you say, she’ll accept it on the spot or come back to you after processing it. Respect her either way.
I’ve been dating a guy for a couple months. He tries to run my life sometimes, but he is older and confident in his declarations about how things are. He has a great high-rise apartment where we spend most of our time, and my own rent is a little steep for my current situation.
I know it’s technically too soon, but is there a way to actually move in with him that doesn’t cause problems?
Dear Daddy’s Boy:
Technically and actually, no. Next?
Fine. A few things to consider: 1. You don’t know him. 2. If he is already trying to drive your life like it’s your car, don’t hand over the keys. 3. Let’s say you decide to split, as two-month dating relationships can do. If it’s his place, where are you going to live? If you add your name to the lease, how are you going to get out?
Illustration by Brad Gibson
A version of this article appeared in the Nov. 16 issue of Q magazine. It is intended for entertainment purposes. If you're in trouble or need serious advice, seek a professional. Send your burning Qs to [email protected] with ‘The Q’ in the subject line.